The Quiet Ways Grief Shows Up in Motherhood

Motherhood is often painted in soft light — smiling babies, cozy snuggles, and “so much love you’ll burst.” And yes, there are moments like that. But there are also long nights, silent tears, and a quiet grief that lingers beneath the surface — a grief few people talk about, but many mothers carry.

Over the years, both as a therapist and as a mother, I’ve learned that grief doesn’t only arrive when someone dies. It can live in the in-between — the losses that don’t have names, rituals, or sympathy cards. It can show up in the moments we realize our lives, our children, or even ourselves look different than we once imagined.

Grief Isn't Always About Death

When I work with women in therapy — and when I reflect on my own experience — I see how grief quietly threads itself through so many stages of motherhood.

Grief can appear when:

• The birth you hoped for didn’t unfold as planned.

• A baby didn’t arrive after infertility or pregnancy loss.

• Your child’s diagnosis shifted the life you envisioned.

• You realize your career, freedom, or friendships have changed.

• You miss the version of yourself you once knew — before motherhood, before exhaustion, before this chapter.

  
  

These are real losses. And yet, because they don’t fit the traditional idea of grief, many mothers minimize them or feel guilty for feeling sad.

But grief doesn’t always look like crying. Sometimes it looks like irritability, withdrawal, emotional numbness, or a persistent sense of “something missing.” Sometimes it’s the heaviness you can’t name — only feel.

When Motherhood Isn't What You Expected

Before I became a mom, I had ideas of what motherhood would be like. I imagined routines, a deep sense of purpose, and joy that would outweigh the challenges.

But motherhood is complex. For many women — myself included — it’s also marked by anxiety, overwhelm, or even trauma. I’ve navigated the fear of loss, the grief of pregnancies that resulted in babies I never had the chance to hold, and the heartbreak of watching my children face medical and neurodivergent challenges I couldn’t fix.

There’s a unique kind of grief that comes when you realize love alone can’t make everything okay. For mothers parenting children with special medical or developmental needs, grief can coexist with love every single day. You celebrate milestones and progress, but there’s also a quiet ache for the experiences your child — and you — may never have. This isn’t selfish or ungrateful. It’s human.

Naming the Hidden Grief

When grief isn’t acknowledged, it often becomes invisible labour — emotional weight carried alone. You might not even recognize it as grief. It can show up as exhaustion, irritability, anxiety, resentment, or the feeling that you’re “not enough.”

Here are some of the ways grief can quietly show up in motherhood:

1. Missing Who You Used to Be

You may grieve your independence, energy, or identity before motherhood. You might look at old photos and wonder if that version of you still exists. Therapy often helps women reconnect with their evolving identity — finding room for both who you were and who you’re becoming.

2. Mourning the Mother You Thought You’d Be

So many mothers carry guilt that they’re not “doing it right.” But often, what they’re really feeling is grief — grief for the idealized version of motherhood they once imagined. Letting go of perfection allows space for compassion and reality.

3. Grieving the Child You Imagined

If your child’s journey looks different — whether due to medical complexities, neurodivergence, or other challenges — you might grieve the imagined future you once pictured. That grief doesn’t diminish your love. It simply acknowledges the difference between expectation and reality.

4. Grief Through Transitions

Every phase of motherhood brings its own tiny losses: the last time your child needs you to tuck them in, the start of school, the move toward independence. These bittersweet moments are grief wrapped in love.

5. Grief for the Support You Didn’t Have

Some mothers grieve the lack of support they expected — from partners, family, or community. That absence can leave lasting wounds. Therapy can help you name that loss and begin to heal it.

How Grief and Anxiety Intertwine

Many mothers tell me, “I’m not sad, I’m just anxious.” But often, anxiety and grief are intertwined. Anxiety can be grief’s protective shield — the mind’s way of trying to control what feels uncontrollable.

After experiencing pregnancy losses and ongoing medical uncertainty with my children, I know that anxiety can become a constant background hum — scanning for signs of danger, bracing for the next crisis. Therapy can help quiet that noise, not by erasing fear, but by helping you find safety within yourself again.

Grounding techniques, mindfulness, and self-compassion practices can all support this process — but so can something deeper: allowing your grief to have a voice.

The Cost of Unspoken Grief

When grief remains unspoken, it often turns inward — manifesting as burnout, irritability, or disconnection. You might feel emotionally flat or find it hard to experience joy. You might snap at your children or partner and then feel consumed by guilt. You might compare yourself to other mothers and wonder why you can’t just be grateful.

Unspoken grief isolates. But when it’s given language — in therapy, in community, or even in quiet journaling — it begins to soften. You realize: You’re not broken. You’re grieving. And that distinction changes everything.

What Grieving in Motherhood Might Look Like

Healing doesn’t mean you stop missing what was lost — it means you learn how to carry it with gentleness.

Here are some ways to honour your grief while mothering:

1. Make Room for Mixed Emotions

It’s okay to feel joy and sadness at the same time. You can love your child and grieve what’s hard. You can be grateful and still wish things were different.

2. Create Space for Yourself

Even a few quiet minutes a day — a walk, journaling, or sitting in silence — can give your emotions space to breathe. Self-care isn’t indulgence; it’s survival.

3. Let Yourself Be Supported

Therapy can help you name and understand your grief — especially the parts that feel confusing or “too small” to talk about. You deserve to have your pain witnessed.

4. Connect with Others Who Understand

Grief in motherhood can feel isolating, but you’re not alone. Support groups, therapy groups, and honest conversations can help you feel seen and less alone.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

When guilt or shame appear, remind yourself: you are doing your best with what you have. You are allowed to be both hurting and healing.

How Therapy Can Help You Hold it All

In therapy, we create a space where you don’t have to choose between gratitude and grief — where both can exist side by side. You can bring the parts of yourself that feel too heavy, too complicated, or too tender for everyday conversation.

Therapy offers tools to:

• Understand the emotional layers of grief in motherhood — the losses beneath the surface.

• Develop coping strategies for anxiety, guilt, and overwhelm.

• Rebuild self-trust when you’ve been living in survival mode.

• Reconnect with meaning — not in the “everything happens for a reason” sense, but in a deeper, more grounded way.
  

I offer in-person therapy in Port Perry and the surrounding areas, and virtual counselling across Ontario — supporting women at every stage of motherhood. Whether you’re navigating grief after loss, the mental load of parenting, or the quiet ache of unmet expectations, therapy can help you feel less alone.

You Are Not Alone in This

Grief is part of love. It’s the echo of what mattered most — the reminder that your heart was all in.

Motherhood asks so much of us, and yet so often, our pain goes unseen. My hope in sharing this — both as a therapist and as a mother — is to remind you that your feelings make sense. That you are not weak for struggling. That your grief, no matter how quiet, deserves care.

There is no timeline for healing. But there is support, there is space, and there is hope.

🌿 If you’re carrying quiet grief in motherhood, you don’t have to carry it alone. At Journey of Hope Counselling & Psychotherapy, we can work together to help you honour your grief, reconnect with yourself, and find gentleness in the midst of it all.

Reach out today to explore therapy and begin the next step of your healing journey.